Friday, May 18, 2018

Nothing to do with You, Everything to do with Me


*Read bracketed text for longer version*

[Before I begin, I want to thank a few people. I want to thank first and foremost, those of you reading this. Without your support for this project, I do not believe I would be able to have the opportunity to gain a, although small, meaningful influence on not just the internet, but the city I currently live in. I cannot say how grateful I am for every reader, new and old, I come across or hear from. Along with the readers, I would not be able to continue this project without the help of some very talented contributors and people who overall give good insight into projects I take up, as well as interests I pursue during my time in college. I want to thank contributors Andrew Gabl, Jessica Cherrington, Christopher Ocean, Giselle Magana, and many more. Beyond those who have contributed to Me Talking, I have to thank those who have offered me their time and have given me the experiences that have reflected on my work so far. People like Eric Ruiz, Mollie Rockafellow, Johnathan Marquardt, Ysandra Ortiz, David Masciotra, as well as my family, have all given me a new perspective on things, and have helped me polish my ideas as well as my passions in the arts as well as science. Thank you all so much.]
In the span of about six months, I have experienced a lot. Over the course of six months, I have gone from an uninspired college kid with a very hedonistic view on life, to an emerging school leader, an “award winning” radio show co-host, as well as a student looking to not only excel in my major, but to excel and make a mark on other areas of life outside the one I am looking to get into. I like to believe I have started to grow out of such an immature outlook I had in years past, as I look not to the pleasures of life, but I look to the moments of misunderstanding, and the moments of suffering for a sense of living. Over the past six months, I have lost a lot of people. Whether it be through death, breakup, or moving away, I have lost some of the most interesting, influential, beautiful people I have ever had the opportunity to know and care about, even if it were for just a moment. A lot of the time throughout these past six months, I have really began to analyze the emotions I carry within myself, and I have found that the more I reflect on why I feel the way I do towards certain people or specific ideas, the more I realize I have not truly ever “felt” anything. [I used to say I hated things for just being the way they are, but I now think I have never hated anything or anyone, nor do I hate anyone currently. I believe I have loved and have been loved in my past, but I question what love really is. I think there are spots of time in my life where I think I was happy, or angry, or sad, or tired, or content, or comfortable, or even uncomfortable, but upon reflection, I find I have not felt any of those things over these past six months.] I feel as though I am floating above myself, and that I am just spectating myself doing these things. Although one could say I am making a name for myself, at least locally or at college, there is an emptiness that hides behind these “accomplishments”. I usually am the one who has the right thing to say, and the right way to create a resolution to many people’s problems, but I find that in all honesty, I am quite uncertain on my approach to the life I have been experiencing over the past six months. I find that no amount of distraction or work will hide the fact that at the moment, I am struggling and suffering to discover who I am, and I am confused and questioning the foundation I have based my entire life upon. I have always been taught to care, and to help those who have less than I do, and I still try my best to do “the greater good” for people, but I find that while I have not ceased to do “the greater good” I do not feel anything towards these things I do or the people I “help”.
            After speaking to several different people, I believe it would be in the best interests of my emotional state as well as my creative state to go away for a while, do some travelling, and sort myself out. I need to discover the source of my problems, and try to find a way out of the “spectator” feeling I have had over the past six months. It is either finding a way out of this lull, or learn to embrace it. This has nothing to do with any of you, and it has everything to do with me. I will continue to post regularly, and I will be back.

Thank you.
-Rodolfo Perez

No comments:

Post a Comment