Friday, February 7, 2020

Update #28

What’s up everybody. I bet you weren’t expecting to read this. I bet you were expecting to read this on some special day. Maybe Valentines day or Easter, because I like posting on special days. It creates a quasi-schedule for me, and its something that’s worked in the past. But today, I just felt like writing. Over the past few months I’ve been writing and rewriting, trying to find the best piece to release to you guys, but in all honesty none of it is ready.
            In all honesty with you, faithful reader, I’ve been in a bit of an odd place recently. I go to school and talk to so many people every day. I have respect from so many people, and disrespect from all the right people. I’m seen as smart, funny, charming, confident, charismatic, and strong. I have a sense of leadership and am in leadership positions. I have a girlfriend whom I care about very much. I have a family at home who is there and provides. I educate myself on the truths of the world, and make sure to keep the lens to which I see the world clear and free from ignorance. I have a job that I can do well.
            I have been questioning myself often, however, in that despite all these things I am surrounded by in my life, all the people and experiences I get to take in on a daily basis, why do I feel like nothing? Not like nothing in the sense that I don’t exist, but nothing in the sense that even though I do exist, what I’m doing, and what I’m planning on doing is not, and does not matter. I see the world for what it is, but no amount of respect and leadership can change the fact that people don’t see it the way I do.
            This isn’t to be taken as an unawareness of the overall issue with my existence. I know the underlying issues lie within my disdain for the system we all willingly live in. A lot of what I feel can be traced back to the systematic oppression and unwelcoming environment I have been born into, and that persists to oppress me to this day. However, speaking in complete personal terms, I don’t know why I feel this way, and I know I should not feel this way, but I do, America. I wake up everyday in a bed that is too small but feels to big. I dress in clothing that is well fitting but feels too lose. I go to classes that I understand, but I don’t comprehend. I go home to a family who loves me and is there for me, but I feel foreign.
            I have these things weigh on my mind, and I want all of you to know this is not a cry for help. I don’t want your sympathy, nor your empathy really. I just want this all to mean something, like really mean something. I don’t want the feeling of “one step forward, two steps back” that I believe is present in a lot of the things I do. I just want things to progress for the first time in a long time.
Anyway, that’s kind of what I have in my head right now. I’m going to start going to therapy again soon, and I suppose this is about as honest as I’ve ever been on this blog, so if this was not what you were expecting to read, I’m sorry. Have no fear, however, I have some pieces I will make sure you all like.

Thanks for reading,
Rodolfo Perez