*Read bracketed text for longer version*
[Before I begin, I want to thank a few people. I want to thank first and foremost, those of you reading this. Without your support for this project, I do not believe I would be able to have the opportunity to gain a, although small, meaningful influence on not just the internet, but the city I currently live in. I cannot say how grateful I am for every reader, new and old, I come across or hear from. Along with the readers, I would not be able to continue this project without the help of some very talented contributors and people who overall give good insight into projects I take up, as well as interests I pursue during my time in college. I want to thank contributors Andrew Gabl, Jessica Cherrington, France Mcnair, Ricardo and Samuel Perez, Christopher Ocean, Giselle Magana, and many more. Beyond those who have contributed to Me Talking, I have to thank those who have offered me their time and have given me the experiences that have reflected on my work so far. Those who I have hurt, those who have hurt me, and those who have done nothing at all have given me a new perspective on things, and have helped me polish my ideas as well as my passions in the arts as well as science. Thank you all so much.]
In the span of about six months, I have experienced a lot. Over the course of six months, I have gone from an uninspired college kid with a very hedonistic view on life, to an emerging school leader, an “award winning” radio show co-host, as well as a student looking to not only excel in my major, but to excel and make a mark on other areas of life outside the one I am looking to get into. I like to believe I have started to grow out of such an immature outlook I had in years past, as I look not to the pleasures of life, but I look to the moments of misunderstanding, and the moments of suffering for a sense of living. Over the past six months, I have lost a lot of people. Whether it be through death, breakup, or moving away, I have lost some of the most interesting, influential, beautiful people I have ever had the opportunity to know and care about, even if it were for just a moment. A lot of the time throughout these past six months, I have really began to analyze the emotions I carry within myself, and I have found that the more I reflect on why I feel the way I do towards certain people or specific ideas, the more I realize I have not truly ever “felt” anything. [I used to say I hated things for just being the way they are, but I now think I have never hated anything or anyone, nor do I hate anyone currently. I believe I have loved and have been loved in my past, but I question what love really is. I think there are spots of time in my life where I think I was happy, or angry, or sad, or tired, or content, or comfortable, or even uncomfortable, but upon reflection, I find I have not felt any of those things over these past six months.] I feel as though I am floating above myself, and that I am just spectating myself doing these things. Although one could say I am making a name for myself, at least locally or at college, there is an emptiness that hides behind these “accomplishments”. I usually am the one who has the right thing to say, and the right way to create a resolution to many people’s problems, but I find that in all honesty, I am quite uncertain on my approach to the life I have been experiencing over the past six months. I find that no amount of distraction or work will hide the fact that at the moment, I am struggling and suffering to discover who I am, and I am confused and questioning the foundation I have based my entire life upon. I have always been taught to care, and to help those who have less than I do, and I still try my best to do “the greater good” for people, but I find that while I have not ceased to do “the greater good” I do not feel anything towards these things I do or the people I “help”.
After speaking to several different people, I believe it would be in the best interests of my emotional state as well as my creative state to go away for a while, do some travelling, and sort myself out. I need to discover the source of my problems, and try to find a way out of the “spectator” feeling I have had over the past six months. It is either finding a way out of this lull, or learn to embrace it. This has nothing to do with any of you, and it has everything to do with me. I will continue to post regularly, and I will be back.