*Read bracketed text for longer version*
[Before
I begin, I want to thank a few people. I want to thank first and foremost,
those of you reading this. Without your support for this project, I do not
believe I would be able to have the opportunity to gain a, although small, meaningful
influence on not just the internet, but the city I currently live in. I cannot
say how grateful I am for every reader, new and old, I come across or hear
from. Along with the readers, I would not be able to continue this project
without the help of some very talented contributors and people who overall give
good insight into projects I take up, as well as interests I pursue during my
time in college. I want to thank contributors Andrew Gabl, Jessica Cherrington, France Mcnair, Ricardo and Samuel Perez, Christopher Ocean, Giselle Magana, and many more. Beyond those who have
contributed to Me Talking, I have to thank those who have offered me their
time and have given me the experiences that have reflected on my work so far. Those who I have hurt, those who have hurt me, and those who have done nothing at all have given me a new perspective on
things, and have helped me polish my ideas as well as my passions in the arts
as well as science. Thank you all so much.]
In
the span of about six months, I have experienced a lot. Over the course of six
months, I have gone from an uninspired college kid with a very hedonistic view
on life, to an emerging school leader, an “award winning” radio show co-host, as
well as a student looking to not only excel in my major, but to excel and make
a mark on other areas of life outside the one I am looking to get into. I like
to believe I have started to grow out of such an immature outlook I had in
years past, as I look not to the pleasures of life, but I look to the moments
of misunderstanding, and the moments of suffering for a sense of living. Over
the past six months, I have lost a lot of people. Whether it be through death,
breakup, or moving away, I have lost some of the most interesting, influential,
beautiful people I have ever had the opportunity to know and care about, even
if it were for just a moment. A lot of the time throughout these past six
months, I have really began to analyze the emotions I carry within myself, and I
have found that the more I reflect on why I feel the way I do towards certain
people or specific ideas, the more I realize I have not truly ever “felt”
anything. [I used to say I hated things for just being the way they are, but I
now think I have never hated anything or anyone, nor do I hate anyone
currently. I believe I have loved and have been loved in my past, but I
question what love really is. I think there are spots of time in my life where
I think I was happy, or angry, or sad, or tired, or content, or comfortable, or
even uncomfortable, but upon reflection, I find I have not felt any of those things over these past six
months.] I feel as though I am floating above myself, and that I am just
spectating myself doing these things. Although one could say I am making a name
for myself, at least locally or at college, there is an emptiness that hides
behind these “accomplishments”. I usually am the one who has the right thing to
say, and the right way to create a resolution to many people’s problems, but I
find that in all honesty, I am quite uncertain on my approach to the life I
have been experiencing over the past six months. I find that no amount of
distraction or work will hide the fact that at the moment, I am struggling and
suffering to discover who I am, and I am confused and questioning the
foundation I have based my entire life upon. I have always been taught to care,
and to help those who have less than I do, and I still try my best to do “the
greater good” for people, but I find that while I have not ceased to do “the
greater good” I do not feel anything towards these things I do or the people I “help”.
After speaking to several different
people, I believe it would be in the best interests of my emotional state as
well as my creative state to go away for a while, do some travelling, and sort
myself out. I need to discover the source of my problems, and try to find a way
out of the “spectator” feeling I have had over the past six months. It is
either finding a way out of this lull, or learn to embrace it. This has nothing
to do with any of you, and it has everything to do with me. I will continue to
post regularly, and I will be back.
Thank
you.
-Rodolfo
Perez
No comments:
Post a Comment